Parent limits
You know, you always hear about limits for kids, or their personal limits, or some version thereof, but you rarely hear about parents' limits. What got me to thinking about this were two events that happened recently. At Ian's birthday party a friend gave him blo-pens, which my SIL immediately announced would not be welcome at her house ;). I admit I was a bit nervous about them, but I figured they could use them in our solarium on the picnic table, which is where they do their art projects. As it turns out they aren't that messy, but it got me to thinking about the difference in our limits--she wouldn't want to deal with whatever mess they might create and that's her right.
A couple of days later I left the boys with a friend for a playdate. When I walked in they were all around the kitchen table making a "potion" as an experiment (her boys and mine are all into science). In a bowl was a mixture of very dark green liquid which was getting all over the table as it was being stirred with great enthusiasm by the boys. I thought to myself that she was a braver woman than I, as I would never allow such a thing to be done in my house! But they were having fun mixing different things together (I think Ian said it had milk, water, food coloring and something else) and I started to feel that old familiar guilt. The one that is caused in large part by all those parenting magazines and books that say kids should be allowed to explore to their heart's content. Do homemade science experiments, go on nature hikes and teach them about science, do homemade crafts and turn a toilet paper tube into a real telescope! Okay, I exaggerated the last one, but you know what I'm talking about ;). I had to stop reading those because they made me feel like a bad mother for not spending all my free time with my kids doing something extraordinary--like my kids would miss out on really important aspects of childhood by not doing all these things.
Now don't get me wrong, we do do some of those things, but what I realized from these two encounters recently is that we all have limits. My SIL doesn't want blo-pens but I don't mind them. My friend lets her kids make messy potions but I don't. If allowing them to do something like that will only result in me getting upset about the mess (which would spill over unfairly into being upset with them), then isn't it better that I set limits? "You know what, you can do that at your friends' house, but we're not going to do it here." It occured to me that they aren't exactly going to suffer if I don't let them do some of these things--Lord knows there were things my parents didn't let me do ;).
It may sound very basic to some of you, but to me it came as an "aha!" moment. I think everyone has some sort of guilt about some role they play--"I'm a bad friend/parent/spouse/boss/employee because of xyz". In my case because I'm a SAHM my primary role is as parent, and so a lot of guilt comes from that. I have to step back and look at the forest instead of focusing on the trees--my kids are happy, healthy, smart and well adjusted, so I must be doing something right ;).
Currently working on: 2006 Mini RR, Story RR, Finisher's Too
A couple of days later I left the boys with a friend for a playdate. When I walked in they were all around the kitchen table making a "potion" as an experiment (her boys and mine are all into science). In a bowl was a mixture of very dark green liquid which was getting all over the table as it was being stirred with great enthusiasm by the boys. I thought to myself that she was a braver woman than I, as I would never allow such a thing to be done in my house! But they were having fun mixing different things together (I think Ian said it had milk, water, food coloring and something else) and I started to feel that old familiar guilt. The one that is caused in large part by all those parenting magazines and books that say kids should be allowed to explore to their heart's content. Do homemade science experiments, go on nature hikes and teach them about science, do homemade crafts and turn a toilet paper tube into a real telescope! Okay, I exaggerated the last one, but you know what I'm talking about ;). I had to stop reading those because they made me feel like a bad mother for not spending all my free time with my kids doing something extraordinary--like my kids would miss out on really important aspects of childhood by not doing all these things.
Now don't get me wrong, we do do some of those things, but what I realized from these two encounters recently is that we all have limits. My SIL doesn't want blo-pens but I don't mind them. My friend lets her kids make messy potions but I don't. If allowing them to do something like that will only result in me getting upset about the mess (which would spill over unfairly into being upset with them), then isn't it better that I set limits? "You know what, you can do that at your friends' house, but we're not going to do it here." It occured to me that they aren't exactly going to suffer if I don't let them do some of these things--Lord knows there were things my parents didn't let me do ;).
It may sound very basic to some of you, but to me it came as an "aha!" moment. I think everyone has some sort of guilt about some role they play--"I'm a bad friend/parent/spouse/boss/employee because of xyz". In my case because I'm a SAHM my primary role is as parent, and so a lot of guilt comes from that. I have to step back and look at the forest instead of focusing on the trees--my kids are happy, healthy, smart and well adjusted, so I must be doing something right ;).
Currently working on: 2006 Mini RR, Story RR, Finisher's Too
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Great post! And one to think on. I know that my cousin likes to come to our house to stay with the boys because of the things we do here. By the same token, when my boys go to my Aunt's home to stay, she does things with them that they don't do at home! I understand the guilt issue, I suffer from that as well.
That was wonderful, and I feel the same way. ALso, I think SAHM's are tired of cleaning up lol....but it's nice when someone else allows them to do the things you don't lol
I think you'd be hard pressed to find a dissenting voice on this topic! We all have things we do right, and things we feel guilty about. Great post, Holly!
We've had blo-pens. My kids loved them and they were so much less messy than I'd expected.
I used to draw my line at Play-Doh but G really enjoys clay and sculpture so my standards have changed quite a bit. But muxing up milk and food coloring and etc. I don't think will ever be on my "OK" list.
I used to draw my line at Play-Doh but G really enjoys clay and sculpture so my standards have changed quite a bit. But muxing up milk and food coloring and etc. I don't think will ever be on my "OK" list.
